The race for president has indeed been one of the most crazy, weird, and scary races…maybe ever. But, turns out, it has nothing on the race for US Senate seats in California.
First, we feel the need to point out that two of these 21 candidates will, when all is said and done, win their race and serve as Senators to “represent California’s interests in the United States Congress.” Again, this is the United States Senate. The two new Senators will vote on new national laws and vote on “confirming federal judges, US Supreme Court Justices, and many high-level presidential appointments to civilian and military positions.” Serious stuff, it would seem.
And some of these candidates, judging by their public statements in this year’s California voter guide, do seem plausible, with what read like logical, non-insane statements and legit email addresses—I’d say six or seven of the 21. The rest…not so much.
Some, like Pamela Elizondo, simply reference their Facebook pages, which, to be fair, maybe she’s just trying to be succinct and appeal to the perceived short attention spans of “kids these days.”
Along the same lines, the aptly name Jerry Laws was so succinct with his “Constitutionalist. Americanism.” statements, he didn’t even make time to send in a photo. Note, by the way, I have no qualms sharing candidates’ email, phone, address, and websites as they shared them with all California voters—by all mean, please visit lawsussenate2016.com.
Likewise with fight-the-power.org, a much better designed site than Jerry’s that is FUCKING TERRIFYING, with features like “From a White Guy to Black Americans: You are CHUMPS” explaining, among many other things, that Planned Parenthood has, from the start, acted as a secret weapon of “The Plantation Masters” to stop as many black Americans from being born as possible.
Moving on, we have Ling Ling Shi of Rancho Cucamonga—one of the most fun town names in California—who ensures she will “challenge 10 giant chaos in economy and economy-related sectors.”
And Mr. Agbede who starts out strong with “Rescue America! Rescue America!! Rescue America!!! Californian!”
And Ms. Grappo of Alameda who, by her photo, will simply gouge out your eyes if you do not vote for her (also, “I am mainstream Facebook in social media!”?)
Think that’s all the worst of it? Oh. Oh, that’s so far from the worst of it. Take Karen Roseberry, who states simply “*S.A.V.E. the future!*”
Again, I feel the need to remind everyone—US Senate.
We also have Jason, who, going by his candidate statement, may be in the tech sector and could maybe help you with that slow laptop that keeps crashing.
And finally—best for last, here—we have Mike Beitiks, the no-nonsense most transparent politician of them all, who tells us that “Federal legislators are doing nothing to protect us from the threat of climate change,” continuing with “I will not do nothing. I swear on the graves of future Californians that I will not sacrifice our actual climate to our political climate.” Plus, killer site URL and best photo yet.
So, that guy’s got my vote. I’ve a little over a month to figure out the second one.
Best of luck future Californians. And thanks, Alex. Glad to hear you certified all of this to be correct.